Our letters to addiction:

Dear Addiction,

I hate you!! I hate you!! I hate you!! You woo people by making it look and seem fun, at first, wanting to belong, you promise relaxation, enlightenment, peace until you kick in, dig your heals into their soul so that their ultimate desire is to feel nothing, numbing the pain, the reality of their own choices and decisions, addiction takes it’s choke hold on one’s life. You are the devil himself in the form of alcohol, drugs, sex, pornography, gambling, anything you can be to destroy lives. You are a widow maker, heart breaker, child stealer, hope killer, dream crusher, you are hell on earth, you are the devil.

I hate you! I hate you! How evil and dispicable of you to come destroy the hearts of so many, to take so many lives away and to take them so easily. Satan, it appears you have found an easy way to win with your whole addiction scheme. You believe you are winning this war of addiction, don’t you?

One Friday morning the rehab center calls, “Mrs. Brown, your son, Robert, didn’t wake up this morning. He died.” He died, he died, he died. No, No, No. Unbelievable, pain, hurt, confusion, anger, tears, hope lost, dreams dead, empty arms, broken heart. Addiction, the devil to generations, strikes again. He has wooed another into his death trap, his prison of lies, deceit, and shame. We knew Robert’s path would be short, he experienced a lifetime of pain and hurt in 22 short years, His own words were: “I should have died a dozen times but God is not going to let me die.” I had grieved his foolish decisions and possible death so many times, waiting to see if he survived his choices through the night but after awhile, even I believed God was not going to let him die. I didn’t believe he would die, but he did.

God, how could you do this to me, my family. Bring me this child, my chosen son, to love unconditionally, to give our hearts to, to embrace as our own and then take him away, to allow his death. How could you do this to me, God? I thought you were a loving father, I thought you had a plan for Robert’s life, how could you do this to me? “Oh, my beloved, this was never about you, this was about Robert knowing the unconditional love of a mother and a family so that he could know the love of Jesus. You loved him and prayed that he would meet Jesus and he would be healed. You see I chose to heal him completely this morning – his healing it is finished.” Yes, Lord, that is what we prayed but he wasn’t supposed to die. But, he did. Yes, he died.

The pain so unbelievable and at times consuming, but yes, he died that day, well, his body died. That broken, battered, beaten down, beaten up, anerexic, frail, sick, weak, sexually abused, abandoned, earthly body died, I hate you addiction! You may have stolen the physical body of my son, but you can not steal his soul, his love, our love and our memories with him. My son, the son God brought me, may have been captivated by generations of addiction in his birth family, but in the midst of his own tremendous pain and struggles, he over and over again, pointed people to the God of the universe. He knew God was real, God spoke to him, he had a light that shone in the midst of his own darkness, struggles and pain. His physical body, mind, and emotions were tormented by his past and yet he knew there was a God, believed in Him and shared about it with so many, many people. We knew he would affect the lives of 1000’s. The first day he went to church with us and a church lady shared that she had seen him in a dentist office at a young age and God had placed on her heart to pray for him everyday and she did and on that day he was in church. Yes we knew God had an amazing plan for him and he knew that too. He would affect 1000’s of lives, that’s just who he was, a light bearer. His life and light could not be snuffed out even in the midst of his own torment and sufferings. He pointed people to Jesus. Gay, drug addicted boy points people to Jesus, I’m not sure I can wrap my religious upbringing head around that reality and that’s the lesson for me; but my heart knows. God is supreme, divine, unpredictable, gracious, loving, kind, adorable, and comforting, He will use anyone who believes in Him to show Himself and that He has done. It doesn’t matter what we’re struggling with, what we have done, stupid, ignorant or otherwise, he can use and will use anyone who believes. In the midst of our own inadequacies, insecurities, insufficiencies, indecisiveness, inconsistencies, in . . . God will use the most unlikely persons, he used fishermen, didn’t he? There were plenty of well educated, churched, religious know it alls, but God chose fishermen to tell His story and He used a gay, drug addicted boy named Robert.

I still mourn, weep and am sad for our loss, but my heart and soul are happy for my son. I am so happy for his healing, the gift of his life infused in ours, his love, the unconditional love we learned how to give. Our life is so much fuller because of him. When we worship, he dances in heaven, he spins wildly as he gazes into the face of a Father that loves him, a Father that understands him, adores him and sent his own son to die for him. He runs, he laughs, he plays, he giggles, he is free to be who God created him to be and be truly loved. He is as a child should be, held, captivated by the Father’s love, dazzled with his heavenly surroundings, his life filled with love and laughter. He is happy, oh so happy. He lives on in so many ways. It has been said, “his death has opened a window to heaven”. That’s right, a window, a door, a gate, open wide, open wider for the world to see and the world to know. You see he is still, even in his death, pointing people to Jesus. his light still shines and it will, forever and always.

So, addiction, where is your sting now?